By Dana Miller

My semi-macabre, yet sweet, friend Scott Michaels who owns and operates Dearly Departed Tours in Hollywood sent me my old pal Paul Lynde’s ample autopsy report. I had never seen one and frankly they are quite ghastly. Bodily fluids and unseemly excretions are all covered in wholly morbid detail. Yet I did love one handwritten passage in the tome. The cops were interviewing the friend who had become concerned about Paul and broke into his home via a kitchen window at 509 North Palm in Beverly Hills to sadly find him dead in bed. When asked if Paul had been depressed, the friend replied, “No more so than any other out-of-work actor!” Priceless! This fact might floor you: Paul would have been 80 this year! I do miss that bitchy cad.

And while I'm clinging to death: Isn't it unbelievable that River Phoenix dropped dead on Sunset in front of the Viper Room exactly 13 years ago? What a waste. Flowers and candles are still left at the site today.

I chatted with John O’Hurley the other day. You know him as the ultimate champion of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars and he played J. Peterman on Seinfeld. (By the way, John now co-owns the J. Peterman Company with J. Peterman. Odd, yes?) We both share a wild, insane love for dogs and John has written a delightful book titled, It's Okay to Miss the Bed on the First Jump—and Other Life Lessons I Learned from Dogs. Adorable read. A few years ago, John and his wife Lisa took in a stray they had found in the Hollywood Hills. And to prove once again to you that size just doesn't really matter, their Betty is a dachshund/black lab mix. Quite an amazing mating visual, huh? The dachshund was the top. It’s the little guys who always fool you. John is also now the host of the nationally syndicated television game show, Family Feud. Chatting about it reminded me of a story from not so long ago starring the original host of Family Feud, Richard Dawson. I’d always loved Richard from Match Game and Hogan’s Heroes, so when an agent friend called and asked if I would meet with him to toss about TV ideas, I was excited. As I approached the house I was anticipating that funny, wry mix of Johnny Carson and Dean Martin with a little Groucho Marx thrown in. It wasn't to be. I don't know why, but I expected a bloke wreathed in amiability excited about future possibilities. But, as a matter of fact, the moment I arrived, I wanted to leave. He was a shell of the man I had expected—a man who spent the entire meeting staring at a bank of security monitors, watching tons of cameras positioned to find bandits, pirates or thieves around the perimeter of his estate. Nothing came of it except regret. The tanned guy with that smirk on his face that made me laugh as a kid was gone. Maybe we peak? Someone told me today Richard Dawson is a recluse. I indeed enjoyed him when he was not.

In this issue, you will find our annual honors and blessings to our community power players and activists. It is always a fun, complicated and spirited debate to pull it all together. At the end of the day, whittling down a passel that participate and make a difference is as good as this gig gets for me. Internally we stick out our tongues at one another, but it’s done with passion and true purity. Editorially, it is a healthy dialogue and though it’s likely Karen Ocamb could beat the shit out of me, once again we got through it with spirit and success. Please check it out and let’s celebrate what is not only good, but truly great.

Friday was Ryan's birthday, and I collected a cartel of friends and family to celebrate at La Boheme on Santa Monica Boulevard. It was yet another wonderful evening of nightery provided by my Upright Cabaret boys, Shane Scheel and Chris Isaacson. Star Search winner Jake Simpson was the headliner and, as always, he was spectacular. That white boy has soul. He is masterly, yet possibly a bit niche. I fear he has the wrong guidance. He should be a star. Not my problem, just my speculation. I also ran into my old friend, the ever biddable Jim Brickman at La Boheme. He and Jake performed a song together. Jim pretended to forget that he, once upon a time, had aggressively pursued me, but then a friend pointed out that just maybe Jim is a classy gentleman who isn't paid to either remember or write about stuff like that. Busted! I do love Jim. He is a pure creature. The lad is a talented and successful artist who is always on tour. If you are searching for new Christmas music, Jim Brickman is always worth a look. My Ryan was fêted by the entire room singing happy birthday to him. La Boheme is the location of my 11th Annual Toy Box Party for APLA this year. I would love for you to be there. Booze and men are what I provide in exchange for an unwrapped toy to benefit APLA’s annual holiday toy drive. Pretty simple, huh? Please come by on Dec. 10, between 3-7 p.m., have a pop on me and introduce yourself. All the necessary information is in this issue in a very classy ad created by Jason Wilbur. 

APLA recently announced that this is the 20th anniversary of their Necessities of Life program. It’s basically subsidized supermarkets for people on a fixed budget trying to make ends meet while living with HIV/AIDS. A few years ago, it was housed at APLA’s former Vine Street location. For a bunch of years, I made my posse get up early every Saturday morning and go to APLA to pack groceries for the clients. We would be out throwing back until closing time, but we always made it in on Saturday to volunteer. I just received a note from a pal who was letting me know that the push to volunteer changed his life. Made me cry. So here is the deal: We all struggle with why we are here and what the hell is important. As Po Bronson wrote, What Should I Do with My Life? I swear to you, volunteering will treat you as well as Prozac. Project Angel Food, APLA and The Trevor Project are always looking for help. Give it a day, a month and it will change your life. Trust me.

With the blessing of creator Roy Eddleman, local legends Alan Friel and Joel Raznick and yours truly are bringing back Labor Day L.A. in 2007. We met at Mark’s Restaurant lobster bake (wonderful, by the way) last Wednesday to settle on the board and governance. Labor Day L.A. was, at its height, a foremost end of summer tradition here in gay Southern California—an event not to be missed. Much like APLA’s NOLP, it was the first dip of the toe into philanthropy for a bunch of folks. It was a form of consecration for guys to be positively involved in a massacre they may have just dodged, or not. It was a temporary answer to something we had/have no answer for. Important, stellar stuff. History that should never ever be forgotten. Stand by for information on what we promise to be a wondrous and exceptional weekend, Labor Day 2007. There will be plenty of opportunities to volunteer.

That written, Dec. 1 is World AIDS Day. To me, it is both gloomy and important. For 10 years now a pal of mine, David Reid, has put together AIDS Watch. This is a tribute, eulogy and opportunity to remind our hamlet to play safe. Do you know someone who passed from AIDS? Please take a second and go to www.aidswatch.org and recognize them. On Dec. 1, those souls will be honored in a wonderful and somber manner for 24 hours. AIDS Watch will be on channel 25 and, in West Hollywood, on channel 10. Please take a magical moment to remember those who lost the battle and keep Kleenex close at hand.

See You Out & About

Contact me at malibudana@aol.com