No? Then why write as if you are?

Here are a few helpful hints to help you come across as someone with at least a third-grade reading level...

TO & TOO:
“Oh, Jackie you are to much!” WRONG!
TO is a preposition, as in, “I am going TO kill myself if people don’t stop using words incorrectly!”
TOO is an adverb that means “in addition” or “to an excessive degree” as in, “There are way TOO many idiots in this world!” Get it?

THERE, THEIR & THEY’RE:
These are not interchangeable. They each have THEIR own unique use and THEY’RE quite easy to remember as long as THERE are still a few brain cells rattling about in your head.
THERE is place.
“Look, THERE is the store where I bought that doubleheaded black dildo!”
THEIR is the possessive form of they.
“I just love THEIR selection of doubleheaded black dildoes!”
THEY’RE is a contraction, or combination, if you will, of they and are.
“THEY’RE simply the best doubleheaded black dildoes I have ever seen!”

TILL & ‘TIL:
TILL is a drawer that holds money.
“I’ve got a gun, so give me all the motherfuckin’ money in the TILL!”
‘TIL (notice the apostrophe?*) is short for until.
“Stay face down on the motherfuckin’ ground ‘TIL I’m gone, bitch!”
Even though using TILL as the shortened form of until has become commonplace in literature, advertising and among the unwashed masses, it is not correct and we must fight this flagrant disregard for all that is decent!

*An apostrophe is used to show that letters are missing, like in ‘Twas (it was) the night before Christmas.

A LOT & ALOT:
“A lot of people think that this is one word.”
It’s not. There is no such word as “alot” and this is one of the fastest ways to announce, “I do not have A LOT of brain cells!”

IT’S & ITS:
IT’S (notice the apostrophe again?) is a contraction (remember that big word from our discussion of “they’re” above?) of the words it and is.
“IT’S hard to believe how many people are retarded out there!”
ITS (with NO apostrophe) is used to show possession (not The Exorcist kind, silly!)
“It seems as if all of America has ITS head up ITS collective ass when it comes to the English language.”

Class dismissed.

Illustration by www.glenhanson.com