The author of the provocative memoir discusses his battle with crystal addiction.

By Karen Ocamb

“Los Angeles is the wrong place to be a tweaker. Too much fucking sun,” writes Patrick Moore in his extraordinary book, Tweaked: A Crystal Memoir. Moore, a 44-year-old Cherokee, Iowa, native with degrees from Carnegie-Mellon University, created the Estate Project for Artists with AIDS while living in New York City. The author of several other books, including Beyond Shame: Reclaiming the History of Radical Gay Sexuality (Beacon, 2004), Moore is also co-founder of a new media production company (12th Street JAM) that produces a daily blog for Yahoo! Health called “The Principles.” Moore is working on a self-help book and developing video projects while serving as a drug counselor for a recovery house run by “Mr. Judy.” Hint: Think Van Ness Recovery House and director Kathy Watt.

IN Los Angeles: Why did you decide to write Tweaked?

Patrick Moore: I decided a few years ago to write a book about meth addiction because I was sick of the lurid horror stories that left out the emotional part of addiction. I wanted to tell the story from the inside. My initial idea was a journalistic exploration of meth use as reported by a sober addict. However, when the book proposal was sold to Kensington, my editor convinced me that writing a memoir would help people identify. That made sense to me because that's the way it happens in 12-step programs— one addict tells his story so that another can identify.

Completely by chance, the very month I signed the contract for the book, a friend of mine called and asked if I had any interest in working as a counselor in a rehab. It seemed to me that working in a rehab would be a perfect way to bring the story into the present. Because I was, at the time, almost 10 years sober, I thought the rehab experience would keep me in contact with newly sober addicts while I was writing.

What was the most horrific moment for you—the one that you might recognize as your bottom?

It was the night, well the morning actually, after my last run when I was coming down and hallucinating that someone was breaking into my apartment. All I had left in the world was the car I had driven here from New York. The previous night I'd had not one but two accidents in that car and it had a huge, ugly gash in its side. I'd spent another night in the bathhouse looking for love. That was the morning I surrendered and decided I would do whatever it took to stay sober.

But another way to look at that story is that my bottom had started many years earlier. Drinking and using hadn't been “partying” for a long, long time. My addiction, especially around crystal meth, had been all about self-destruction for years.

How do you avoid relapsing?

I've been clean and sober for about 11 and a half years. It's the biggest accomplishment of my life. My belief is that I stayed sober through the 12-steps, which allowed me to clean up enough of my guilt and shame that I could actually connect to other people and not be alone. As to continuing to stay sober, I make sure that at least one person knows absolutely everything that's going on with me—good and bad. I don't carry around those secrets anymore.

And, in a weird way, writing this book kept me sober. I think I was getting sloppy about my sobriety. By having to revisit all of these feelings so intensely, I didn't feel like I was so far away from drinking and using. Writing Tweaked was very painful and I put myself in some risky situations. But I think I have a better shot at continued sobriety now because the experience of being a counselor made me more rigorous. It's pretty hard to tell a client to do something if I'm not willing to do it myself.

The back jacket blurb says the story feels like fiction, "but every word is true." Author James Frey said the same thing about A Million Little Pieces. He was subsequently revealed as a liar. Is this true or did you embellish or fictionalize some accounts? Tell us why we should believe you.

I have an advantage over James Frey because loads of people, including my co-workers at the rehab I write about, can vouch for its honesty. As the book says, names, dates and locations have been changed to protect anonymity. As for Frey, I cared less about him lying than him sending out a really stupid message that 12-step programs represent some kind of weakness and that you just have to be strong to overcome addiction.

Anything you want to say directly to IN's readers?

I think gay people need to start talking more honestly about sex. We've become so inhibited that I think a lot of sexual behavior becomes a dirty secret rather than just a part of life. It's that secretive, shameful aspect of sex that is a real breeding ground for addiction, especially to drugs like crystal that are so tied to compulsive sex. I also feel that we absolutely have to find some way for older gay people to mentor younger gay people. Without that, I think young gay people will always feel sort of disconnected and hopeless.

So that's the bigger picture for the gay community. For people who are using meth or other drugs or alcohol, I want them to know that I have a beautiful life in sobriety. It's still hard sometimes and requires a lot of work but there is absolutely hope. Nobody's too far gone to change.