By John Hobbs

Thursday, Sept. 7

Sharpen your pencils and grab your sack lunches because The Muse Project wants to take you back to school with their Back to School Gender Bender show taking place at King King. $10-15. 8:30 p.m. 6555 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd. For matriculation information, go to www.themuseproject.com.

Gulp, don’t sip the cocktails served up tall, cold, and free for just five minutes each hour at Smack, the world’s fastest open bar. Every Thursday. Smack with DJ Josh Peace. 9 p.m. O-Bar, 8279 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, call (323) 822-3300 or see www.obarrestaurant.com.

For a swinging good time, drop by the World Famous Derby as it hosts crooner Brian Evans, whose silky vocals have been featured on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. 9:30 p.m. 4500 Los Feliz Blvd., Hlywd. For more information, go to www.clubderby.com.

This Thursday night, forget about NBC. The real must-see is at Hamburger Mary’s as our favorite Lady of Drag, Jackie Beat, takes over the West Hollywood hangout for a night full of hilarious hi-jinx, karaoke, prizes, and $5 Texas margaritas and martinis. Free. 8 p.m. 8288 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlwyd. For more information, go to www.hamburgermarysweho.com.

Friday, Sept. 8

There will be no monster trucks with muscled-out hemis crushing cars underfoot at this 4X4. Instead, the artsy event features four exciting performance art pieces by four new artists. $15-20. 8:30 p.m. Highways Performance Space, 1651 18th St., Santa Monica. For show information, call (310) 315-1459.

Unless you’re on their mailing list, there is no way of knowing when the coterie of furtive black armband-wearing Guerrilla Gays—tired of the same boring gay scene—will expand the queer frontier by ambushing an otherwise straight establishment. Join the revolution tonight. For details, go to www.guerrillagaybar.com.

You won’t find any 18-wheelers, blue plate specials, or squawking CB radios at this Truck Stop—just a bunch of hotties dancing on the bar to the tunes of DJ Josh Peace. Every Friday. here lounge, 696 N. Robertson Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, see www.herelounge.com.

No matter the question, crystal meth is never the right answer. Join Stephen Blackwell as he hosts Meth=Death, an evening benefiting for the Tweakers Project, a documentary film about the new gay epidemic. $5 donation requested. 9 p.m. Eagle L.A., 4219 Santa Monica Blvd., L.A. For more information, see www.eaglela.com.

Intimacy Issues? Whether you’re having sexual problems in your own relationship or just enjoy frank discussions of sexuality, tune in to Showtime’s Sexual Healing. Therapist Dr. Laura Berman helps couples with their sexual problems, making for riveting and voyeuristic TV. Upcoming episodes featuring gay and lesbian couples run Sept. 8 and 15.

Saturday, Sept. 9

You don’t have to be in New York to take in a captivating cabaret show. Los Angeles’ venue for great cabaret is La Boheme Restaurant, which serves as the new backdrop for Upright Cabaret the second Saturday of each month. $15. 10 p.m. 8400 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, go to www.uprightcabaret.com.

Remember when talent used to count for something in Hollywood? Well, despite the Paris Hiltons, Nicole Ritchies, and Kevin Federlines of the world, America’s still got talent—Rise Up and Shout proves it. The 100-minute talent show features 20 young performers working in a myriad of areas including filmmaking, dancing, and singing. $24. 7 p.m. Barnsdall Gallery Theatre, 4800 Hollywood Blvd., L.A. For tickets, go to www.bgttickets.com.

Make sure to check all convention at the door of the L.A. Convention Center before venturing into the Gay Erotic Expo, a two-day sexual romp hosted by Jackie Beat featuring porn stars, amazing sex toys, and live demonstrations. $20. Petree Hall, 1201 S. Figueroa St., L.A. For more information, go to www.gayeroticexpo.com.

They’re bringing ‘60s back! Head down to Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts for An Evening of Great ‘60s Pop as The Buckinghams and Herman’s Hermits fill your evening with righteous ‘60s sounds. $28-51. 8 p.m. 12700 Center Court Dr., Cerritos. For tickets, go to www.cerritoscenter.com.

Oh, those Arabian nights—things could get a little exotic at Club La Zeez, the Stone Bar’s Middle Eastern-flavored night featuring sexy male and female belly dancers writhing seductively to a mélange of Mediterranean music. $15. 9:30 p.m. 5221 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd. For more information, go to www.lazeez.freehosting.net.

The only thing better than checking out the player’s butts in their tight pants at the ol’ ballgame is to do it for a good cause. Support AIDS Awareness Day by heading down to Dodger Stadium for Strike Out AIDS taking place Sept. 15. at 7:40 p.m. To get involved with the a live demonstration on the outfield, sign up before Sept. 9 by emailing Enrique Topete at etopete@thewalllasmemorias.org. For tickets, go to www.thewalllasmemorias.org.

So the night is starting to wind down, but you aren’t ready to turn in yet—what do you do? Head over to Ultra Suede as Reflex keeps the party going into the wee hours of the morning. $15-25. 2:30-8 a.m. 661 N. Robertson Blvd., W. Hlywd. For tickets, go to groovetickets.com.

Got a thing for a man in uniform? Get dressed to the nines in your leather gear and take it to the Eagle L.A. for BLUF—Breeches and Leather Uniform—a new night for men who enjoy wearing leather. Free. 9 p.m. 4219 Santa Monica Blvd., L.A. For more information, see www.eaglela.com.

Sunday, Sept. 10

Sidle up to the stage and get ready for the sequins and double-sided tape to fly as your favorite drag queens battle it out at Oasis’ sizzling Drag Idol competition. $6-10. Every Sunday. 8 p.m. 1386 E. Foothill Blvd., Upland. For more information, see www.oasis-nightclub.com.

Whoever said size doesn’t matter hasn’t been to here lounge on Sunday nights for the big DJs, big drinks, and bigger fun at Size. Doors open at 4 p.m. 696 N. Robertson Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, go to www.herelounge.com.

Monday, Sept. 11

Get involved! Take a stand! And meet others! The Latino Men’s Group meets every Monday at 7:30 p.m. The Wall Las Memorias, 111 N. Ave. 56, L.A. Call (323) 257-1056 for more information.

That buxom beauty Jackie Beat will have you rolling with her sassy shenanigans as host of Micky’s Showgirls on Monday nights at 10:30 p.m. Micky’s, 8857 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, see www.mickys.com.

Tuesday, Sept. 12

No, Tea Bag is not an unfortunately named Starbucks competitor chock full of scones, finger sandwiches, and techie types tapping away on their laptops. It’s actually a new balls-out dance party with thumping music provided by DJ Howie Pyro. Club 7969, 7969 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, call (323) 654-0280.

Looking to get your party on in the 818? Check out Club Fuel with its Twisted Tuesdays, Re-Fuel Thursdays, and Beer Bust Sundays. 11608 Ventura Blvd., Studio City. For more information, call (818) 506-0404.

Rimjob—the name says it all, huh? Get there early to avoid the line. $6. MJ’s, 2810 Hyperion Ave., Silver Lake. For more information, call (323) 660-1503 or see www.mjsbar.com.

Wednesday, Sept. 13

Whether you’re looking fierce or fiercely looking, Club Girl Talk at Encounters in Pasadena offers transgenders, cross dressers, and their admirers a night to mingle while DJ Tony spins top 40 and dance hits into the night. $5. 203 Sierra Madre Blvd., Pasadena. For more information, go to www.encountersnightclub.com.

East meets west at the upscale Hollywood hangout Shag, which brings a touch of New York sophistication to L.A.’s nightlife. Grab a cocktail on Wednesdays for Tag!, the Gotham-themed club’s gay night. Tonight, Lance Bass and Reichen will be in attendance for a party and silent auction benefitting AIDS Walk L.A. beginning at 8 p.m. 1835 Cahuenga Blvd., Hlywd. For reservations, email tag@tattletalepromotions.com.

Have a wicked good time at Club Metro’s Wicked Wednesdays, featuring live hip-hop, reggaeton, and R&B performances with some of L.A.’s sexiest go-go dancers. Free with guest list before 10 p.m. $5 otherwise. Ultra Suede, 661 N. Robertson Blvd., W. Hlywd. For guest list and information, call (323) 769-6333.

What better way to get over the mid-week hump than guzzling two-for-one drinks at Fiesta Cantina and captivating your friends with your own rendition of old karaoke standards? Karaoke with Kenny, 10:30 p.m.-1:45 a.m. 8851 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, see www.karaokewithkenny.com.

Gay and Lesbian Elder Housing is holding community meetings to get input for services offered at a new senior residential center set to open in 2007. Find out more by attending one of two meetings. Sept. 13: 6-6:30 p.m. The Village at Ed Gould Plaza, 1125 N. McCadden Pl., L.A. Sept 16: 5-7 p.m. Metropolitan Community Church, 8714 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, call (323) 954-3900.

Thursday, Sept. 14

Nothing to do this Thursday night? Rubbish! Head over to Club Trash at The Derby, where the party is jumping with DJs spinning rock, indie, electronic, and new wave. 4500 Los Feliz Blvd., L.A. For more information, see www.clubtrashsilverlake.com.

Get an eyeful at Thursday night’s Wet-and-Wild Shorts Contest. Winner takes home $100 and most likely a few phone numbers. Eagle L.A., 4219 Santa Monica Blvd., L.A. For more information, call (323) 669-9472 or visit www.eaglela.com.

Let’s get dirty with DJ Tony Powell, spinning every week at Dirty Dirty House. $4. Akbar, 4356 Sunset Blvd., Silver Lake. For more information, see www.akbarsilverlake.com.

The Arena is ground zero for the 18-and-over pulsating pop party Tiger Heat with DJ Ray Rhodes. $8 cover. Every Thursday, 9:30 p.m.-2 a.m. Hollywood Arena, 6655 Santa Monica Blvd., Hlywd. For more information, visit www.arenanightclub.com.

Friday, Sept. 15

You don’t have to drive five hours across the sun-baked desert floor to Las Vegas to catch an awe-inspiring Cirque du Soleil show. Hop on the freeway and head over to Staple’s Center for Delirium, a stunning show with an urban tribal beat and gravity-defying aerial performances. $69.50-125. Sept. 15-17. 1111 S. Figueroa St., L.A. For tickets, go to www.cirquedusoleil.com.

Miles from the bright lights on Broadway, American Idol alumna Frenchie Davis is taking a break from stints in such shows as Dreamgirls and Rent to make a special appearance at Popstarz. Throw down some $3 martinis and marvel as the songstress belts out the tunes. 9 p.m. The Factory, 652 N. La Peer Dr., W. Hlywd. For more information, go to www.factorynightclub.com.

If you aren’t half past give a damn with the stay-the-course rhetoric spewed forth by the scaremongers in power, then you aren’t paying attention. Inform yourself about the Iraqi conundrum with an award-winning film called My Country, My Country making its way to Laemmle’s Music Hall 3. $10. 9036 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills. For schedule, see www.laemmle.com.

Are you ready to take your nightlife to the next level? Check out Evolve, an all-night dance party at Avalon Hollywood with DJ De León manning the turntables. $30. 10 p.m.-8 a.m. 1735 Vine St., Hlywd. For tickets, go to www.wantickets.com.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a hairspray-shellacked bouffant or a sassy bob, just grab a wig and get over to Wig Out! this Friday night. $8 with a wig, $10 otherwise. Doors open at 10:30 p.m. M Bar, 1253 Vine St., Hlywd. For more information, call (323) 856-0036.

Come out to Cheap & Easy Fridays, where the men are taut and tart. $1 draft specials and 50-cent buffalo wings. $6 cover. 21 and over. Oasis Nightclub, 1386 E. Foothill Blvd., Upland. For more information, call (909) 920-9590 or visit www.oasis-nightclub.com.

Looking for something cheap and tawdry? Be a Whore! every Friday night with go-go boys and $1 shots. $5 cover. 9 p.m.-2 a.m. Club Fuel, 11608 Ventura Blvd., Studio City. For more information, visit www.tattletalepromotions.com.

Gay shutterbug Wolfgang Tillmans will be signing copies of his newest book, Truth Study Center, at the Taschen store in Beverly Hills just two days before his first U.S. retrospective exhibition opens at Westwood’s Hammer Museum. 5-6:30 p.m. Taschen, 354 N. Beverly Dr., Beverly Hills.

Saturday, Sept. 16

Anybody who’s anybody will be at Popular on Saturdays dancing to the pop music and ogling the cute go-go boys and girls. 9 p.m.-2 a.m. Every Saturday. here lounge, 696 N. Robertson Blvd., W. Hlywd. Visit www.tomwhitmanpresents.com for more information.

Head over to Club 7969 for Jumbo Hot Dog, which is plumper, juicier, and meatier than ever—and you won’t even have to worry about all those nasty nitrates. Every Saturday. 9 p.m. 7969 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. For more information, call (323) 654-0280.

All revved up with no place to go? Check out Machine at the Faultline, where DJ Paul V. will rock the well-oiled club night full of dirty electro beats, media manipulation and sex-club stimulation. Vroom! $5. 9 p.m.-2 a.m. 4216 Melrose Ave., Silver Lake. Check out www.spitclub.com for more information.

Sunday, Sept. 17

When was the last time you cracked open a book—and no, that beat up copy of Redbook in your doctor’s office doesn’t count! Make up for lost time and join thousands of L.A. literati for the fifth annual West Hollywood Fall Into Reading Book Fair. The erudite extravaganza will be teeming with authors, poets, actors, and countless books for purchase. 10 a.m.-6 p.m. West Hollywood Park, 647 N. San Vicente Blvd., W. Hlyd. For more information, go to www.weho.org.

If you haven’t picked up Everyone’s Dead But Us, Mark Zubro’s latest installment of his Tom Mason/Scott Carpenter series, head over to A Different Light Bookstore and not only get your copy, but also have it signed by the scribe himself. 7 p.m. 8853 Santa Monica Blvd., W. Hlywd. Go to www.adlbooks.com for more information.

Grab a cocktail and listen to Rudy de la Mar warble tunes at The Other Side on Sunday evenings. 2538 Hyperion Ave., Silver Lake. For more information, see www.flyingleapcafe.com.

Nothing says Sunday like kicking back and drinking your weight in tequila at Margarita Sundays with DJ Nicholas. $2 margaritas and domestic beer from 3-7 p.m. MJ’s, 2810 Hyperion Ave., Silver Lake. For more information, call (323) 660-1503 or see www.mjsbar.com.

Check out the smashin’ fashion as the Los Angeles Museum of Contemporary Art goes the way of haute couture with Breaking the Mode: Contemporary Fashion from the Permanent Collection, a brand new exhibition featuring designs from such big names as Jean-Paul Gaultier and Christian Dior. Sept. 17-Jan. 7. $9. 5905 Wilshire Blvd., L.A. For more information, go to www.lacma.org.

Separately, they are Abbey founder David Cooley and Palm Springs’ White Party producer Jeffrey Sanker. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with. Check out Privilege, the first offspring of the union of the two L.A. nightlife heavyweights. $15. 9 p.m.-2 a.m. 8117 Sunset Blvd., Hlwyd. For more information, call (310 654-0030.

Monday, Sept. 18

With physiques so stunning even the Greek gods would’ve been envious, the brawny men who portrayed Hercules and a host of other heroes of 1950s Hollywood films are being celebrated at Drkrm Gallery’s new exhibition Beefcake Babylon: The Iconography of Sword and Sandal Epics. Through Sept. 23. 2121 N. San Fernando Rd., Ste. 3, L.A. For more information, go to www.drkrm.com.

Wednesday, Sept. 20

Don’t feel like dancin’? You’re sure to change your tune after hearing Scissor Sisters’ Ta-Dah, dropping Sept. 26. Head over to Shag on Sept. 20 and get a first listen as the upscale Hollywood hangout hosts a listening party for the Scissor’s sophomore album. 1835 Cahuenga Blvd., Hlywd. For reservations, email tag@tattletalepromotions.com.