I said I'd do it, and I never break a promise. A nail, a heel, a hip, maybe -- but never a promise! So, as I mentioned at the end of my last column, "Cool To Me, from A to Z," I now give you...

That's So Gay, from Z to A!

Z is for Zima. Long before Appletinis and Cosmopolitans, Zima was the gayest choice a fag could make when asked, "What's your poison?" Introduced by Coors in 1992 when southwestern decor was still being sold on Melrose, Zima is to cocktails what Avril Lavigne is to punk rock. Watered-down, tasteless crap.

Y is for Yummy. If you want to be really super-duper gay, the next time a cute guy walks by just lick your lips and squeal,"Yummy!"

X is for XL condoms. Let's just say you have a really small dick. A fun thing to do is to shove a sock down the front of your pants, go to an adult bookstore and not-so-inconspicuously ask for some condoms in Extra Large. Before you know it, every tweaking bottom within spitting distance will be on your shit and you'll have your choice of sex-addicted, commitment-phobic hotties. Trust me, the look on your shallow trick's VGL face will be more entertaining than one of those special homo episodes of Cheaters!

W is for White. Mainstream gay culture loves anything and everything white. Clothes, cars, lap dogs, men. Hey, don't get mad at me, it's true. I don't make this stuff up, honey ... I just report it. W is also for Will & Grace which just so happens to star four white people. I rest my case.

V is for V-H1's Best Week Ever. A great way to keep up on everything that means nothing.

U is for Ugly. I love the trailblazing art fags who go to thrift stores looking for the ugliest clothing, accessories, furniture, artwork and housewares. They put their necks on the line being seen in public wearing something so outlandish, so outrageous, so just plain out that, upon seeing them, you cannot help but question their sanity. Next thing you know, that look that was once considered hideous is now the hottest new trend and absolutely everyone is working it. Sadly, they're working it without a single drop of danger or irony. Suddenly, it's not even ugly anymore, it's just boring.

T is for Trucker caps, please refer to letter U.

S is for Sex! Gays love sex. Anal, oral, you name it! Hell, pop out your glass eye and I bet some gay guy will skull fuck ya'. Sex, sex, sex!

R is for Rimming -- aka analingus, butt-munchin', ass-eatin', hole-devourin', mangina-lickin'. Just kidding, silly! R is for Roses. One dozen long-stemmed roses is so classy and romantic...

Q is for Queer As Folk. Proof that the gays will gobble up anything. Even a poorly-written, crappily-acted show.

P is for Pride. Sure it's one of the seven Deadly Sins, but it's also a great time to walk down the street in assless leather chaps with your mom.

O is for Oprah.

N is for Nipples. They should resemble huge pencil-erasers and make straight people really uncomfortable.

M is for Margaret Cho. In my stand-up act I say that I'm not afraid to tell an offensive, stereotypical Asian joke because Margaret Cho tells gay jokes and she's eaten pussy maybe once, but I've eaten Chinese food a whole helluva lot more than that! And don't write in saying she's Korean.

L is for Louis Vuitton. Gay men and female rappers have a lot in common: They both love big cocks and they both love Louis Vuitton. And speaking of female rappers that love big cocks and LV, a big shout out to Lil' Kim who was just sent to prison for a year and a day for lying to a federal grand jury. Hang in there, girl.

K is for Kathy Griffin. She's a foul-mouthed redheaded fag hag who makes fun of celebrities. What's not to love?

J is for Jackie Beat. Why play games, people? I'm fucking incredible! Come see me every Monday at Micky's. Show time is 10:30 p.m. and bring lotsa tips!

I is for iCandy. I ain't never been there, but you must admit that it's gay! Enjoy it now, Miss Thing, 'cause the gays are notorious for treating their new clubs like they do their new men: They get bored real quick and dump them for the next hot thing that comes along.

H is for hairy forearms. The only thing hotter than hairy forearms are wet hairy forearms. Sorry, TMI!

G is for GLAAD. The pansy police. The nelly nazis. The fag fascists. God, you're touchy and annoying. Go give Sean Hayes another award for being so darn courageous to play a homosexual on TV!

F is for Fitness. Must. Stay. In. Shape.

E is for Egg Whites. Gays love their high-protein, low fat, no-carb egg whites! Almost as much as they love their high-protein, low fat, no-carb semen. Almost.

D is for Drag. Come see myself and special NYC guest star Sherry Vine in "Dirty Girlz!" at The Cavern Club Celebrity Theater on Sunday & Monday, Nov. 6 & 7 at 8 p.m. Get more info and/or tickets at www.acteva.com/go/jackiebeat.

C is for Christopher Meloni. The former star of HBO's homoerotic male prison masterpiece Oz can be seen every week on NBC's Law & Order SVU. Chris, please call me. I love you.

B is for Botox. Hey, wanna' look younger? Inject poison into your face!

A is for Alcohol. The reason you need so much letter B, queen!

photos by Mario Diaz