Interview With An Elder: Dr. Donald Kilhefner

By Michael Kearns

“Fierce elder” may seem like an oxymoron, but not if you’re in the presence of Dr. Donald Kilhefner. A venerated Gay Liberation Movement pioneer, Kilhefner — at age 70 — possesses a passion that eludes most men half his age.

“Elders,” he says, “are responsible for the spiritual well-being of the village.” If an individual can be profiled by the images with which they choose to grace their wallspace, consider Kilhefner’s menagerie: Sitting Bull, Allen Ginsberg, Carl Jung, Malcolm X and Edward Carpenter — heroes of soaring humanity.

“Cultural anthropologists tell us that whenever and wherever humans are found there seems to be a patterning of life into four stages: youth, adult, elder and ancestor,” Kilhefner asserts. If one considers the Gay Liberation movement’s evolution, birthed nearly 40 years ago, we are in the midst of “the first generation of potential gay and lesbian elders.”

However, it’s critical to note that many of us have skipped one of the formative four stages: adulthood. “Unless there are adults, our community’s ability to evolve and deepen is jeopardized,” he says. Many in our community are procrastinating, clinging to youth rather than embracing the maturation process. “Clueless” is how Kilhefner describes the flock that continues to indulge in “all of the things that help us escape” rather than waking up and smelling the green tea.

“If a community is healthy and functioning properly, adults work with the youth as mentors. Without adults in the village, very little mentoring goes on,” the Jungian psychologist points out. Just for the record, referring to yourself as a “daddy” in your manhunt.net profile does not mean you’ve reached adulthood.

Spirited author Mark Thompson says that his fellow soul explorer “is absolutely one of the most significant foundational figures in the Los Angeles gay community. His voice has been a prophetic one for decades.

“Don’s focus on the needs of our current generation will usefully serve the generations to come.”

Kilhefner’s history hearkens back to the late ’60s in a simple office space on North Vermont, replete with a fireplace and walls splattered with revolutionary posters, which housed the Gay Liberation Front. “Our people were suffering,” he says. “Despair, oppression and disorientation was immense.” The Gay Survival Committee addressed how “to survive in a society that seemed hell-bent on destroying us” and led to the birth of the Gay & Lesbian Center.

In the late-’70s, along with the indomitable Harry Hay, Kilhefner realized that it was “time to create some kind of aspect of gay liberation that involved gay consciousness and gay spirituality.” The Radical Faeries took flight, marking “a turning point in gay liberation,” he asserts. “We understood that we, as a people, need to know what it is we’re doing in the world and be able to communicate that to the dominant culture.”

Founder of Los Angeles’ Gay & Lesbian Center, Van Ness Recovery House and Gay Men’s Medicine Circle, Kilhefner has been examining these issues for decades but his concentration on “intergenerational dialogue” has accelerated during the past 10 years.

After conducting a number of workshops on the subject over the years (Archetype of the Wise Old Man: The Gay Tribal Elder, Standing On the Bones of Our Ancestors: Exploring the Role of Gay & Lesbian Tribal Elders), he observed that people were leaving the workshop after a weekend of intense discourse but “not assuming the [elder] role in the community.”

“Something is wrong here,” he concluded. Taking vigorous action, Kilhefner proposed an idea to the Gay Men’s Medicine Circle. “I’m willing to devote a full year to help train elders in the community,” he said, “culminating in a public initiation ceremony.”

Beginning with an orientation session on Sunday, Sept. 9, a weekend workshop (Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday) follows on the weekend of Sept. 28-30. “Thereafter, we will be meeting once a month through the spring of 2008.”

Working “as a group,” Gay Tribal Elder: The Archetype of the Spiritual Father will employ a number of teaching tools (DVDs, reading material, CDs) as well as special guest leaders from communities of empowerment. “There will also be a project that we will work on collectively,” Kilhefner says, “much like the Rise Up And Shout! project” that celebrated youth through a variety of performance disciplines including spoken word, acting, dance and song.

How to age consciously in our community is not related to muscle mass, the car you drive, clothing labels, botox injections or the house you live in. “Stop confusing reality with realty,” Kilhefner says.

Reality, as Kilhefner sees it, encompasses the art of eldering for men of a certain age. “Elders facilitate the transmission of a certain type of spiritual knowledge and wisdom from one generation to the next. You cannot have an alive and healthy community unless there are elders consciously doing eldering.”

How old is an elder? Well, if you remember Miss Joan on Romper Room, witnessed the emergence of the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show, and can sing the lyrics to Stephen Sondheim’s “I’m Still Here,” you, honey, are an elder.

“Unfortunately, in the gay community today men simply become ‘olders’ not ‘elders,’” according to Kilhefner. “Generally they retire, disappear or are discarded just when they are most needed and most valuable to those coming after them.”

So if you’d seriously consider trading your Norma Desmond photos for those of, say, Ghandi (or, for that matter, Ivy Bottini), you should contact Kilhefner at donkilhefner@sbcglobal.net or by calling (323) 874-8297 for more information regarding Gay Tribal Elder: The Archetype of the Spiritual Father.

Michael Kearns can be reached through his website www.michaelkearns.net.