Living the life of luxury aboard the Diamond Princess

Text and photos by Joseph S. Amster

The wake-up call rings, and minutes later, there’s a knock on the door. I throw on my plush robe and the porter places a Continental breakfast on the table. As I sip my coffee in the warm morning sun on my stateroom’s balcony, the clean ocean air fills my lungs. After a quick shower, I proceed to the sun deck for a few quick laps in the pool before basking in the sun. A waiter asks if I’d like anything to drink, and of course, it’s time for a cold and spicy Bloody Mary before the sumptuous lunchtime buffet. Ahh, a life of luxury—I could get used to this.

Leaving behind the recent RSVP Mexican Rivera cruise from Oct. 28-Nov. 4 for the real world was difficult, as shipboard life aboard Princess Cruise’s Diamond Princess with over fellow 2,500 gays and lesbians made for a fun-filled and luxurious week at sea. With stops in Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlán, and Cabo San Lucas—three of Mexico’s finest Pacific destinations—and a full schedule of shipboard events, there was always something to do. However, if you want to do nothing but relax, a slothful existence was available, with the courteous and friendly staff catering to your every need.

The cruise began with a sunset departure from the Port of Los Angeles in San Pedro. Everyone was in a festive mood, brought to a higher level by cocktails, crowns and lighted scepters passed out by the RSVP crew. I doubt this is done for the regular cruises—it became quickly evident this was not going to be your grandparents’ cruise. As the coastline’s lights faded into the distance, we were on our way. After the required lifeboat drill, it was time for our first dinner in one of the ship’s luxurious dining rooms. The meals aboard the ship were consistently top-notch, just as one would expect from an ocean cruise, with the dining rooms offering the same menu, but each featuring a specialty to go along with their theme (Asian, Southwest, French or Italian). On the first night, there was a singles ice-breaker, and also for singles, an afternoon cocktail get together every night with the Savoy dining room set aside—I met a lot of very interesting and eligible bachelors over the next seven days. Shipboard entertainment began with the San Diego Men’s Chorus (who performed the show-stopper “Pansies Everywhere”), Sharon McKnight (always deliciously raucous and racy), karaoke, name that tune, various cabaret acts and the hot and hunky Day of the Dead celebration—the first of many late night parties (this one let out early at 2:30 a.m.). Not bad for the first night.

Sunday was an at-sea day as we made our way to Puerto Vallarta. It was a good thing too, because the ship pulls into port very early in the morning, and after a night of revelry, no one was in the mood to get up early. Most spent the day recovering by lounging around the ship’s pools, soaking in the Jacuzzis or taking part in such light activities as ping pong, shuffleboard and bridge. This was also the day that many of the RSVP cruise veterans decorated their stateroom doors with incredible imagination and panache. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this tradition? Dinner was a special event this evening—it was black tie. Photographers were everywhere to take formal portraits, as most were decked out in their finest. Doesn’t everyone look better in a tux? The shipboard mood heated up later, beginning with the LASC and 2X(ist) fashion show, the Dungeons and Dragons leather party (there was a large contingent of bears and leathermen on the cruise, estimates ran up to 30 percent), the Sunday Furry Sunday Lazy Bear event, and the partying continued until 5 a.m. on the aft deck. Do these boys ever sleep?

Monday was another relaxing at-sea day, but with more activities as passengers needed to be engaged (there’s more to life than working on your tan and drinking margaritas, after all). My personal favorite of the day was the hilarious and informative cooking demonstration by Executive Chef Amendo Scarin and Maitre d’ Hotel José Florencio, which ended with a galley tour (I’m the resident foodie if you don’t know that by now). Other afternoon shipboard activities included an art auction (duty free!) and art demonstration with resident artist Noel, lots of shopping opportunities at the ship’s shops, afternoon tea, and light entertainment. For those into self-improvement, the ship offered complete spa services as well as a well-equipped gym. All the afternoon’s light activities and relaxation, however, were just a ramp-up for an evening of top-notch entertainment and hot partying, courtesy of RSVP. The entertainment highlight of the night was the fantastic dragapella beauty shop quartet Kinsey Sicks. I’d heard about them for years, but never caught their show—I highly recommend catching them next time they come through your town. After an evening of everything from country dancing to cabaret, and a $500 blackjack tournament in the ship’s casino, the night’s big event was the underwear party, which provided tons of eye candy (I think there were as many spectators as participants).

As we awoke on Tuesday morning, the ship had already arrived in Puerto Vallarta, a destination that has grown tremendously since it was made famous as the backdrop for the film Night of the Iguana. I’ve been to Puerto Vallarta before, so I knew pretty much what to expect. If you’re into the tourist thing and tchotskes, then stick to Paseo Diaz Ordas and Avenida Morelos. There are some good shopping opportunities, but there are also lots of shops selling the same T-shirts, you’ll find in every city, just with a different name. My advice is to take a long walk along the Malecon, a long promenade running along the beach. Also, head east to the Zona Romantica for a less touristy experience. For shopping, go a couple of blocks back for more authentic souvenirs made by local artisans. Since this trip coincided with the Day of the Dead, I was in search of the miniature artworks associated with the holiday, and I found numerous examples for my collection. As far as food, you wouldn’t catch me dead in places like Señor Frogs, Carlos O’ Brian’s or any of the numerous American restaurants like Chili’s and Outback Steakhouse we saw going into town. Why someone would travel to Mexico to eat at the same places they can at home is beyond me. When I travel, I want my food as authentic as possible. My most memorable meal was during my first trip when I had camarones diablos in a restaurant that was clearly in someone’s household dining room. This time, I ate at a small shack-like stand two blocks from the beach where I had a smoked marlin taco and a shrimp and octopus cocktail. Everything was fresh, spicy and delicious—no Montezuma’s revenge here. For those who want their sightseeing planned or are seeking real adventure, Princess and RSVP offered numerous options ranging from guided tours of the city, tours of a tequila factory, and horseback riding, to more adventurous excursions like a jungle canopy adventure, dolphin swim, certified diving and off-road bicycling.

After such an active day, we headed back to the ship for a sunset departure, celebrated with cold cocktails and enjoyed a luxurious dinner. This evening I was treated to dinner at the ship’s upscale Sabatini’s restaurant for a savory meal of numerous antipastos and succulent seafood. After dinner, it was time for the highlight of the cruise: the Halloween costume competition (yours truly went as Groucho Marx). Costumes ranged from simple to elaborate (how did they get them into their baggage?), and the rivalry was fierce. Ultimately, one of the simplest costumes won: fat girl searching for a lost dog (an overweight man in a wig and bikini waving a lost dog poster) was the crowd favorite over immensely elaborate concoctions, winning a free cruise for two. Even though there was some grousing among the runners-up, it was soon forgotten as the costumed crowd partied until the early morning.

The next morning, we awoke in Mazatlán. The city is divided into two areas: Old Town and the Golden Zone. For many years, the Old Town area was neglected and run-down, but it has recently seen a renaissance, with many of the buildings undergoing renovation. This is also the location of Mazatlán’s only gay bar, Vitrolas. Even though it was well before opening, the gracious owner allowed us in, and it was clean and spacious—well worth a stop when you’re in town. Other highlights in Old Town include the Opera House, town square, city hall and cathedral. This is also an area with quaint and non-touristy shops for those looking for out-of-the-ordinary gifts. Since it was the Day of the Dead, there were numerous altars up memorializing the departed for the evening’s commemorations. The beaches in and around the Golden Zone are spectacular, as are the shopping, nightclubs and restaurants. Organized activities available from Princess and RSVP included bird watching, a Pacifico beer brewery tour, sport fishing and kayaking around Deer Island. Mazatlán was by far the best destination of the trip.

Back on the ship, it was another spectacular sunset departure and dinner, followed with an evening’s entertainment headlined by comedians Suzanne Westenhoefer and Danny Williams. Late night belonged to the bears, with Sweat, the Lazy Bear event with DJ Matt Consola running until 2 a.m.

Our last port of call, Cabo San Lucas was, until recently, a quiet fishing village. Over the last two decades, numerous resorts and condominium projects have been built, and today, Cabo has a thriving tourist trade. The city itself, however, is quite small and tourist oriented. This was the only port we visited without a dock, so we had to take tenders to the shore, which was handled quickly and efficiently by the crew. We only had a half day, so sightseeing was somewhat limited. There was some good shopping to be had in the back streets, however. I found a fine Cuban cigar I enjoyed that evening in the ship’s cigar lounge, paid a visit to the local natural history museum, and found an out of the way restaurant for shrimp tacos. Because of the numerous local islands and rocks along the coast, sport fishing, diving and snorkeling dominated the excursions.

Back on the ship, leaving Cabo San Lucas was spectacular, with the sun setting over the bay and coastline’s spectacular geography before we hightailed it back to L.A. at a speedy clip of 22 knots (as opposed to 17 knots on the way down). This evening’s entertainment was the one night the regular ship’s staff performed, and the magician Alexander wowed the crowd with his illusions. One of the biggest events, the Diamond Stud White Party, took place on the upper decks, with a special performance by Deborah Cox, running with 2:30 a.m., and DJ Kimberly S. kept the tunes going in the Skywalker Nightclub until 5 a.m.

Friday was our final day at sea, with everyone feeling a little nostalgic and not wanting to re-enter the real world. People were checking out all the photos available on the Promenade deck that were taken by the numerous professional photographers at various events for last-minute cruise souvenirs and stocking up on duty-free liquor. This was also the day for dozens of couples to take part in the commitment ceremony in the ship’s chapel and uniforms were in abundance at the military T-dance with DJ Kimberly S before dinner. The final meal on the ship was a celebratory affair, with new friends and old enjoying dinner together and promising to stay in touch after the cruise.

As we awoke on Saturday morning, checkout began (thank goodness I pre-registered my credit card, it was as easy as looking over the bill and signing it in my stateroom). Leaving the ship behind was hard—I didn’t want to move out of my stateroom and give up the luxuries of shipboard life. Now that I’m back in the “real” world, I keep expecting someone to bring me my coffee in the morning and turn down my bed at night. My cats just look at me like I’m crazy.

For more information about RSVP, go to www.rsvpvacations.com, or call (800) 328-7787.