By Ken Knox

In this exclusive interview with the Reno Sheriff’s Department’s Lt. Dangle, IN Los Angeles gets the skinny on what really went on during the filming of the shocking new movie, Reno 911!: Miami. You’ve been warned.

Now in its fourth season on Comedy Central, the anti-COPS “reality show,” Reno 911, continues to entertain audiences with its wildly funny depiction of the men and women of the Reno Sheriff’s Department’s police force. From bumbling cases to hooking up with each other during off (and sometimes on) hours, these lovably incompetent law enforcement officers—presided over by the openly gay Lt. Dangle—have managed to endear themselves right into our hearts, even as we fear for our lives due to their negligence.

Now these daffy deputies are getting the big-screen treatment in this month’s Reno 911!: Miami, a shockingly crude look at what went on when the Reno Sheriff’s Department traveled to Miami last year to attend a police officer convention—and ended up saving the city from bioterrorism. And it isn’t pretty.

IN Los Angeles managed to pin Lt. Dangle* down for an interview, and discovered—to our chagrin—that he liked it. In this revealing Q&A, the man beneath the short shorts comes clean about the movie’s editing, affairs between squad members and being a gay role model.

IN: Reno 911!: Miami is certainly one of the most revealing glimpses into how the Reno Sheriff's Department works as a team. What do you think it has to say about the integrity of your force?

Lt. Dangle: We work hard, we play hard. And of course, we masturbate hard. I wish some of that latter part had been left out of the picture, as it’s pretty graphic even for my taste and I’m into some pretty rough stuff.

Some police forces would not invite a camera crew to follow them around while doing their jobs. Do you ever worry about how you might appear to outside spectators?

Everything you see in the movie is their version of the story. Fox has edited it out of order to portray us as nincompoops, which we are not. I only spent one evening in that candy G-string, and that chicken did not die, despite us shooting 400 rounds of ammunition at it. It also looks like I own only one Morrissey shirt. I actually own three.

What was it like for you and your team to be plopped down in the middle of a city like Miami?

For everybody else on the force, it was a “fish out of water” experience. For me, it was more “fish in water.” My shorts are actually pretty conservative by South Beach standards.

Looking back on your experience in Miami, what would you say was the most challenging aspect of this particular case?

The Brazilians are very slippery in Miami. Literally, I don’t know who is doing their Brazilian waxes, but they’re amazingly slippery. Keep up the good work, Miami waxers. Wait, what was the question?

You talk in the film about your squad being like a family of sorts. How do you feel the others on your team view you?

Yes, we interact just like a family. A family where there’s lots of sexual tension between uncles, nieces and nephews. Not a good family—a creepy, West Virginia moonshinin’ family who can’t keep their hands to themselves.

There seems to be a good deal of interpersonal relationships in the work force among your squad. What is your official stance on such relationships?

The Sheriff’s Department strictly forbids romance-type fraternization between deputies. It also forbids sending jpegs of your manhood to one another, as I’ve recently found out. Jones, again... sorry. Meant it as a joke.

I only ask because, looking at this movie as an objective outsider, it would appear that your squad is made up of a group of perpetually aroused horndogs who have what appear to be somewhat inappropriate feelings toward their co-workers. How might you respond to that?

So, you have actually seen it. No comment.

You're a somewhat openly gay police officer in a position of seniority and power. Do you see yourself as a gay role model at all?

Absolutely. I’m surprised more young gay officers haven’t adopted some of my fighting techniques and uniform choices—other than as a Halloween costume. It’s not a costume, people. The shorts make my body a weapon. Imagine the legs of Ann-Margret combined with the lethal striking power of a fucking ostrich. I know this doesn’t sound that scary, but ostriches kill a lot of people. Look it up.

What has your experience been dealing with other officers and police officials? Have you experienced any kind of homophobia on the job?

Yes. When you’re a cop, people are nervous around you all the time. So I’m not sure if people are freaked out by the cop part, the gay part or just from seeing that much man shoved into so little fabric. Either way, it does rub some people the wrong way, and I have occasionally had some hateful words thrown at me. The thing is: Hateful words can’t stick to me. Soy sauce packets can. I hate when kids throw soy sauce packets at me.

When was the first time you realized that you wanted to be a police officer?

If there’s ever a day that I wake up and want to be a cop, I’ll let you know. Hasn’t happened yet. I wanted to be a model for International Male, but it didn’t work out. They say crime doesn’t pay. Neither does law enforcement!

What is your favorite part of being a police officer?

I enjoy being a hero that the community can look up to every day. And the Sheriff’s Academy test was way easier than getting a real estate license.

As a TV personality, who is your favorite television cop of all time?

Three words—T.J. Hooker. Well, OK, I know that’s one word and two letters, but that’s my answer.

If you had to choose another profession, what might it be?

Anything with dental insurance. Or something that gets me a little more respect than being a cop—like Internet porn.

Finish this statement for me: "My billy club is to me like..."

My billy club is ... actually the new retractable kind. It starts at only eight inches, but when you whip it out, it’s a full 24 inches, black and very heavy in your hand. People are shocked whenever I whip it out. It feels good, and I enjoy the look on their faces when they see its full size for the first time. Sometimes I whip it out for myself, just to cheer myself up if I’m feeling down.

*Lt. Dangle’s responses by Thomas Lennon