By Billy Masters

"I want someone hot! Not gay, just really hot! What's Eric Nies doing? Can I get him in my bedroom? I'm so lonely!"

—Anna Nicole allegedly bemoaned her lack of paramours to a gay friend in Palm Springs (according to my sister-in-gossip, Janet Charlton, at www.janetcharltonshollywood.com). Funny that Smith asked a gay guy how to get in touch with Eric Nies! I don't think she'd have been any less lonely if her buddy and Eric showed up together.

Since I was traveling on my birthday, I couldn't celebrate as I normally would. There were some surprises, though. Several close friends didn't even call! But Michael Lucas express-mailed me a large box of Godiva truffles, which might not be as thoughtful a gesture as it seems. After all, the GayVNs are next week. If I eat these truffles, I'll never winch into one of my signature semi-see-through ensembles! No matter how crazy he can be, I've always found Michael to be incredibly sweet and thoughtful.

Lance Bass seems to have mended his broken heart. I know for a fact that he received two dozen red roses on Valentine's Day. Why two dozen? Well, with that lazy eye, he'd only see half. And who is his paramour? He's been spending oodles of time with Brandon Beemer, the new Shawn Brady on Days of Our Lives. Of course, they could just be friends. Yeah, right.

Jenifer Lewis is the most talented performer alive. Period—end of story. There is nothing this woman can't do. She sings, she acts, she tells outrageous stories and she can tear your heart out with her honesty. And she's stunning, too! This glorious creature has unveiled her new show, Bipolar, Bath & Beyond, as a benefit for the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center, and she did it without any hoopla. She didn't want reviews, or a big glitzy party, or anything like that. She just wanted to make lots of money for the Center—and she did.

This is no review. The simple fact is that there are no words worthy of Miss Lewis. She's sublime. She can go from playing everyone's mother to starring as a tawdry temptress or a sassy sidekick to putting on her own one-woman show (The Diva is Dismissed won every conceivable award). Just when you think you've got her figured out, she turned up in Mother Courage over the summer opposite Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline. Yes, she's a major talent. And she's got balls! This is a lady who was singing backup for Bette Midler in Denver during a heatwave. When Midler passed out before "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," Lewis calmly stepped over Bette's body, went to center stage and sang the lead and the back-up! Those are the kinds of stories Jenifer will share. And, don't worry—you'll get the whole "I was the first Effie" story, which is completely true.

My date for the evening was the incorrigible Bruce Vilanch (he never touched me). Marc Shaiman was playing the piano. Original Dreamgirls Sheryl Lee Ralph and Loretta Devine were on hand to cheer. I'll post some photos on www.billymasters.com. Lewis has shows on Feb. 24 and March 3—and maybe more after that. You can get tickets online at www.lagaycenter.org/boxoffice. FYI, I'll be going back on March 3. If I were free, I'd be at every single performance.

Now, onto Anna Nicole. Could someone please do some medical testing on Dr. Joshua Perper, the coroner who performed the autopsy? What on Earth is growing out of his scalp?

Regarding Anna's fridge, I agree that the photos certainly appear staged—the inside of my fridge looks more like a crime scene! As to the break-in of the Bahamian house and the personal property stolen, my gut feeling is that Howard K. Stern arranged this to dispose of some items and to drum up some public sympathy. I still think he's complicit in Anna's death. Not that I think he sat on her face with a pillow or anything. But it's pretty easy to say, "Anna, don't forget to take your medicine," and then 10 minutes later, do the same thing. And so on, and so on. Within an hour, she could go through a month's supply of Methadone!

Once the father is proven to be Larry Birkhead, Howard's days in the spotlight will be over and I bet you money he'll off himself. After all, if Howard were the father, why not just take the DNA test? Because it ain't his kid. Interestingly, Howard's sister has already paved the way for the inevitable outcome. Bonnie Stern says that shortly before Dannielynn's birth, Anna Nicole said that the baby was "probably Howard's, but it could be Larry's." Good save, Bonnie.

Now, let's talk about the "Prince." I'm putting that term in quotes because "Prince Frederic von Anhalt" is no prince at all—he's actually a commoner named Hans Robert Lichtenberg. He was adopted by the Kaiser's daughter-in-law, who went bankrupt and adopted paupers for cash. Freddie admits to having sold 10 such titles himself. The timing of his so-called affair with Anna Nicole Smith is fascinating because, in 2000, he sued the manufacturers of Viagra for $11 million due to his alleged impotency. In his complaint, he says that he became addicted to the drug, and without it, could not perform. Is it possible that anyone would have been able to mount Fred's then-83-year-old Hungarian wife without the aid of some pharmaceutical? Come on! Plus, folks in West Hollywood refer to Princey as a lecherous lout who preys on young men. On most days, he can allegedly be seen cruising the WeHo streets in his silver Bentley, or hanging out at what is known as "the gay Starbucks" across from 24 Hour Fitness (a gym I'm told no longer welcomes him due to a locker room "incident").

We have room for one "Ask Billy" question. Patrick in San Francisco writes, "What do you know about this gay singer on American Idol? I heard there was some controversy, but not sure which contestant he is."

Apparently someone at Access Hollywood has a bit of a hard-on for Tom Lowe. The tabloid TV show reported, "If he advances to the semi-finals, he could be the first ever openly gay contestant." Sigh—if I based my career on "ifs" and "coulds," my fans would revolt. It doesn't matter—he didn't make the top 24 anyway. So who cares? There were several controversial aspects. First, Tom's no amateur—he appeared in London's West End in Les Miserables and Cats, under the name Tom Lucas. And whilst in merry ol’ England, he was a member of a boy-band, North and South, a group who had a minor hit, "Man Not a Boy." As if things weren't sticky enough, that band recorded for BMG—the same label that employs Mr. Cowell! Oy! Lowe may be gone from AI, but now he's on www.billymasters.com. We've come into possession of some very hot full-frontal nude shots of Tommy. Head on over to our Web site to see every inch of him.

When I can present photos of an uncut singer cut from American Idol, it's definitely time to end yet another column. You know, maybe I'm the father of Dannielynn. After all, there are photos of Anna Nicole and me—that seems to be all you need to claim paternity! This week, I'm writing from Fort Lauderdale. Next week, San Francisco. But no matter which coast I'm on, fan mail always gets answered. Send your questions to me at billy@billymasters.com and I promise to get back to you before anyone mounts Zsa Zsa—or the Prince! So until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.